818. Morning thoughts...

Hey there. It's slightly past one in the morning and here I am in bed, typing this post... because you're pretty much the only something that I can rely on now. Regardless of whether or not my phone will go ninja mode and hit my teary face, I'll still go on typing this.

I've taken my medication, treated it like a sleeping pill when no, I shouldn't have. Then again, life just doesn't seem to mean so much to me anymore... Or does it? I guess it doesn't quite matter that much at all.

That one call has just seemed to fuck up my night.. Where's that strong girl I once knew? Elaine, come back..... please. I don't know what kind of monster that this thing called reality has turned me into, I don't know how that shit managed to drive the courageous individual away.

What's left of me, is this. And on nights like these, I can never get myself to sleep, no matter how exhausted I am. Maybe this is the weaker side of me showing. Then again, where's the strong side? Gone? I don't remember resorting to swallowing pills to get myself to sleep.

Once upon a time, life meant a lot more to me than this.

Sometimes I don't even know what I'm holding on to anymore. Hun, you're the only exception. You're one of the few things that's still allowing me to keep my sanity in me. If you ever give up on me now, I won't know where to go. Life is a piece of scary bullshit, the thought that you'd be there for me at the end of every day seems to be what's driving me to keep myself alive...

I hate how you said this seems to be holding us back. Or rather, holding you back. I know you said you were tired, but it scares me. It fucking scares me so bad to think I might be losing you soon.. Whoa, I don't even know where to go from here.

It's like, I'm a soldier who's determined to win a war for his country so the lives of his family members won't be jeopardized, but suddenly I'm told that my family members were already killed by... say, the government. And I'd lose all my drive to even fight anymore, or even be alive. That feeling. That feeling of being betrayed by someone whom you love so much, and you're putting your life on the line for. That feeling of being betrayed by the one you're fighting for...........

And sometimes, I don't know how to feel anymore. Nights like these. A truckload on my mind, yet, really, I don't know what to think anymore.

Remember when I said I wouldn't give this up without putting up a fight? Well, I meant it.. But it's just that I don't think there's a point in fighting if the fight's a futile one. I don't think there's a point in fighting if I'm gonna be the only one who wants to hold on. I don't think there's a point in fighting if the outcome's not gonna change.

Please, just prove me wrong.
Just this once.